i wanted to post something stark and bare and simple. something with no subtext either. just a very gutteral plea from within. a message that had no hidden agenda. to say i'm lonely wouldn't be quite right. but i miss my tribe. i miss my good ones. my close soul sharers.
i miss the one who can see me. the one who gets me without having to explain myself. the one with the knowing glance. the one i share the unspoken silence with.
i miss the frolic and the leap . .the little skip in my chest . .the racing pulse . .the uncontrollable belly laugh . . the careless afternoons spent without concern for time.
what i'm trying to get at is that i don't know that i can reconcile with my current routine. i don't know that i can fall into waking up each morning to hear the same beeping alarm, the exhausted sigh, the same dull click of the calendar. sometimes when i'm in traffic i feel like i'm suffocating. i look out the window at the metal and exhaust fumes and weeds and feel completely absent. utterly removed from the scarred suburban landscape. it's like there's someone else driving my car, someone like me, but not me.
and i can't take the insidious shortcuts i used to here anymore, i can't escape by eating ben and jerry's "caramel sutra" ice cream in front of an old kate hepburn movie for example, or sitting in the parking lot of "steak and shake" on my dinner break, sucking on the straw of a vanilla milk shake, watching the sun set over the shopping mall. i'm here, yes it's true, i'm here and i want to go forward; with clarity. with consciousness. forward. i believe that this is important to say here.
i've been reading a lot about the act of surrender. about falling into divine universal spark. into that which turns the seed into a flower. into that which turns the embryo into a child. i've been reading about an invisible hand that can just sweep me into purpose. into meaningful context. so i say, let me belly flop into that open palm tonight. let me escape into the subconscious, into portent filled dreams, into communion with the wisest stars, and wake up to a fresh day, where spirit is at the wheel, and i happily serve each earthly moment . .filled with certainty, and energetic presence, and blessed light.
goodnight.
now i know where i want to live--inside of a
lori carson video. the house that is featured in her song "clean getaway" is truly haunting me: the leaf covered porch with the hammock. the bedroom with the pale canary yellow walls. the overgrown beach path that leads down to the waves. the little trellis and gazebo. the worn adriondack chair with lori, beguiling as ever in her denim jacket. there is a spirit to that house. a place to create. a place to nurture a gentle and productive, creative solitude. the song that breathes out of her "house in the weeds" is amazing: "everyone you washed your hands of, it's what you are .. everything you walked away from . . is what you are."
i want to live there. in the quiet house by the sea. is it portland? saugatuck? ireland? a coastal town i've never been to?
today i drank a caribou vanilla cooler and wrote in my new journal. projects. to do's. deadlines. notions. it felt good. caught the smiles from friendly strangers. purchased some poetry (mary oliver, carl phillips) and a new cd (maura o'connell's brilliant new "don't i know"). talked to neighbors. played with the cat. drove my silver altima with the moonroof open. abundant life.
