did my birthday really pass that quickly? i'm buried in a snow bank of grief today. even though kay brought me lilac sprigs, a book of quotations and a caffenated frappachino that will keep me thrashing all night, i'm still paralyzed. i fester. i bemoan. i ache.
and still, i'm surrounded by so much love at work. dawn on the telephone giving me resusitation hourly. mariliss and leigh. amy with her candid whimsy. even jen. so why do i suffer? why can't i resurrect my self? why do i keep myself chained? why do i grieve for my heart when it's still there, waiting to be recognized.
today in class we read a navajo chant written to the god of thunder. a prayer to heal. an invocation to be restored. i read the words out loud in class and i felt somehow lighter. somehow absorbed into an inexplicable joy. saved somehow. restored.
but the passage was ephemeral. and i fell. and i fell.
i know there is love all around. i understand. but i want to know. i want to know.
