yes i'm addicted. yes i'm in need. yes i walk around with a hole in my gut. yes i'm anxious. yes i'm bi-polar. yes i crave deep kissing. yes i want to be held. yes i want to be adored. yes i want him to write me that passionate letter that will steal my heart, take my breath, feed my ego. yes. gimme. gimme. yes i want the white rose left on the pillow afterwards. yes i want to linger in the tub after the massage. god yes. yes i want to go dancing and lose myself. yes i want all the stupid cliches about soul bonding and the dizzy trappings of a breathless romance. passion .. on and on. but hey i want the routine too. i want the shared vision. the joint checking account. the snapshots from las vegas. the tickling on the bed. the finishing of each other's sentences. gimme. gimme.
kabbalah? zen?
who me? dunno . .
no, let me wallow in my mid-life crisis, in my identity confusion, in my soul loss. let me keep surfing the net and daydreaming. let me go soft in the check-out lines at the jewel. let me follow the plot lines of guiding light. let me whine a little while about how i have to do this relationship work all alone. please, let me make myself sick on pistachios at 2 in the morning over it. and sleepless from vanilla coolers at caribou. let me get lost in divorce court reruns. let me page through better homes and gardens and imagine the perfect sofa. the stolen kiss at the suburban bay window. the tea set waiting on the white stone patio. let me want him to come home. (i'm good at pining, oh yeah.) let me imagine him as someone different. yeah. let me think for a little while longer that i can change him without having to work on myself. oh yeah. that always works. let me withdraw and pout. and get fussy. oh yeah. that works. let me feel this ache. i want it. the martyr. the misunderstood poet . the man in perpetual trauma. oh yeah. i do that one so well. a lot of practice apparently.
god guide me.
thank god for kay who was my rescue remedy today. and restored my faith in tomorrow. in france. in yoga. in watching sunrises. in the resiliancy of scar tissue. in contributing to those who need. and for amy who i'll rendezvous with tomorrow at egg harbor for breaky. oh let my birthday on tuesday be about opening up. let it be about taking chances. and getting conscious. let it be about burning all the candles. and whirling. most of all . .whirling. round and round until i feel that i'm home in myself. home already. everywhere i am .. safe, at ease, in creation, in divine perfection, perfecting . .making myself home. home.
