solitary tonight, listening to laurie anderson's gorgeous new cd, "life on a string" and thinking about life on mars. i want to go to the red planet. dance in flaming pools. vanish into a gas cloud. become spark. become knowing.
christmas glow has all but vanished. but i have beautiful crystal snowflakes to hang up next year. and a beautiful book of haiku and japanese prints. and new music to move to for months. i wonder how many days to the epiphany? to january 6th and to all the precious new moons, new beginnings? to a day of gifts? to a year of giving? to new friends, and hope, and promise? i've got to admit, i'm glad to see 2001 over. it has been an instructive year. a year of excess and boredom, and numbness, and fears, and violence, and thrashing about without a solid strategy to hold to in order to move ahead. bad dreams. sad whale songs. collusion with shadows. enough is enough.
in my interview on thursday with gregg shapiro, i mentioned i was "erotically frustrated" and that that was the reason i'm compelled to write erotica. well there you go. the truth is out. i had a huge headache during our meeting so i was pretty blunt. but gregg is a very engaging fellow. very cute, very smart. it was fun to talk and connect with him, especially on the dishdrain disco daze of oh so long ago. i do feel i have survived something amazing. and gregg seemed so supportive. how fantastic is that! plus, gregg's story in bhq is very cool. i hope to read more of him.
what have been the highlights of this holiday week? fighting with my mother over identity and sexuality issues? hmmm. let's see. let me think on that one. getting new dusty springfield cds from darling jeff in seattle--oh that sweetheart! ohhhh! talking with abra on the phone for hours the day after christmas? her uncontrollable champagne laughter? her heart all coiled up? my heart resonating and needing to unfurl as well? ahhhh. or an erotic afternoon spent with a young cute spanish/italian guy i spied over a year ago at the gentry piano bar? mmmm. laughing with my brother at his christmas table? hugging my niece kimberly for a photograph? (sweetheart that she is!) feeling like 2002 could be another breakthrough year? one where i do exactly what katherine mansfield says; to risk, risk everything, ignore the voices of opinion, do what scares you!
cultivate a new self gerard. (that is the voice whispering in my ear) and get some sleep. (oh wouldn't that be something?) and wake up and write. (remember the light of the muse) and risk. and jump into the water, the emotional pool and let yourself trust that the world will buoy you up. let your heart pound. dream braver dreams. (yes that is the voice . .louder now that is the pitch, the rhythm.) oh and be remembered for your laughter. for your whirl. for your words and wonder. let go of the dirge. throw out your heart. and then another heart. and then another heart. and then divine another. no statue here. no cold stone. so much to love. so much to live for. so much more. oh spin. oh be the wheel. be the dervish. round and round and round and a happy new year. happy.
