it's official. i'm off the zoloft. i'm not crashing. i'm not in mourning. i'm not walking wounded. i'm alright. and for now, that's good enough. i can sleep without snuggling up to late night talk radio and that suits me fine. the sky has been so blue lately it makes me weak. i walk around in the city and smile at the miniature christmas lights, amy grant singing holiday tunes on the radio. i look at the christmas trees. i look at the fake snow spray painted on windows. then up at the sky, so blue. i'm blessed to walk in the sun and soak in this early december light. to breathe. to be here. to have right now. i do feel that. (is it zoloft residue?) i'm watching movies. "billy elliot", "chocolat". both just perfectly sublime. billy is my new hero. when he danced for his father the first time i nearly wept. had to rewind that scene twice to absorb it. revel in it. romantically genius. these are films i've wanted to see for ages. still looking for "house of mirth" and "in the mood for love." seems this is a good time for cinematic catch-up.
i've got to stop this stalemate with my artist self. what is the payoff for not revising, revisiting my work. what is the payoff? why whine? why not just write? re-commit for the approaching solstice. re-energize. re-new.
i'm insular re "x" and his plans for living rent free and tip-toeing off to europe. i feel cut off in certain ways with him. i miss our long talks and feeling like i could be vulnerable and free with him. i am clinging to ghosts, that's all. years of fog. years of phantoms. i need to really examine what this means. i need to make sense of what our connection really represents at this point. what are we doing for one another? what vital contribution can i make to his life?
seems like my connection with last week's blind date is faltering as well. alas. two curt email notes since our first date, both formal and restrained, seem to indicate a less than sparky (hardly over-zealous) desire to re-connect on "k's" part, but maybe i'm reading too much into this. what do i really want from a companion? do i really want a companion? i'm thinking of that scene in david mamet's film "house of games" when joe mantegna moves in on lindsey crouse. he asks her right out, "do you want to make love with me?" he asks her, "do you want adventure?" "do you want something different?" "do you want to be possessed by something?" later of course, he sets her up for a terrible sting, but in that initial erotic encounter, there seems to be this on wish on her part to be swept away, to have some sort of deep alliance with another human being. to trust. to risk. to give over something of herself. to be overtaken by romance, desire, metaphysics, shadows. what do i want from a companion? trust. tenderness. warmth. humor. a gentle spirit. a spirit, period. pagan. creative. abundant. nurturing. room for two. one. two. can i give myself over? ahh. but have i given myself over to myself first? ahh. ahh.
