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Saturday, December 08, 2001
skipped the zoloft yesterday and slept pretty soundly last night. dreamt of soap opera men feeding me raw oysters in a beach house kitchen. lovely. before i went to bed, i watched "kiss me deadly" and "cabaret balkan" on video. both dark visions of the world. edgy, raw, violent, apocalyptic, brilliant. i picked both films up because of my blind date with k. we seemed to connect on so many levels: avante garde cinema, making art, kate bush, etc. i just want to say to him, "let me be gentle with you." he seems hyperkinetic, plugged into bliss, a good soul. i will send him a poem and perhaps we'll have another date. i liked that he responded to my pagan reference to st. nick's feast day. i liked that he picked up a note he found in the bathroom from someone else to someone else and gave it to me as a memento. i liked that he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek when we said goodbye at the entrance to the subway. i wonder if we can be vulnerable to one another?
i picked a rune last night which again said i have to renounce my current way of approaching life, peel back the layers to get to what is elemental, change myself. it feels critical now more than ever. i wrote in my rune journal to keep awake, to make efforts to bring into my life something bolder, something braver, a poet becoming, an artist in process, a dream shaping, re-shaping.
contacted raquel in vancouver too and left a message to say how terrific to have been chosen "best innovative video" in last month's poetry film fest. i'm anxious to see it posted on the edgewise website. i imagine that next year will be crucially important in terms of getting more poetry and videos out. i still feel shy about reading. g.s. contacted me regarding a newspaper interview on "dervish" and i wrote him back and said "yes, yes" but i'm nervous about it. i wish i could just stop this self-doubt. but the rune again said i need to re-approach myself in a new fashion, and discard even the way i think about myself. .i'm right back to minding my mind again. today, i want to drink a super frothy eggnog latte, pick up a christmas gift or two, write in my journal, maybe do a little self-therapy reading, watch another film, kick back. if i'm perking from the coffee later tonight, i think i'll re-open my play manuscript. the ending needs revision. my own approach to myself needs revision. work. work.
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
be still my beating heart. (sting i loved that song once) my chest pump is unsteady. is the zoloft too strong? am i happy yet? day four and my mouth is dry. i'm edgy, but not grief struck. i can handle it. there is this creepy third eye awareness of everything, every activity, every movement i undertake. it's almost as though i am outside myself, watching myself move about my day. hyper-conscious of everything i do, every nuance, every subtle tick, my promptings, my motivation. talk about focus. i just wish i could sleep at night. last night i dozed until 4, then listened to reports about troops crushing the taliban and a stray bomb launched by an american b52 that killed two u.s. soldiers. they call that an accident as a result of "friendly fire." i shudder. toss and turn. ache in my bones. then enter a sonambulant state where i float through a city, aware of my body at times, my skin becoming smoke, aware at times that i'm lucidly dreaming. and in the dream, as i think i create. suddenly there is a bridge where i thought there should be one. i think of a willow tree and one appears. i imagine a french cafe and i sit at at paris coffeehouse. i travel, float, move in and out, sometimes solid, sometimes almost bodiless. i wake up exhausted at 9:30 a.m. oh morpheus, please be my friend tonight and let me sleep all the way through.
i want to go swimming. i keep thinking about water. the ocean. wading into deep waves. the push of tide and foam against my legs as i go in deeper and deeper. was i mer boy in another life? i used to pretend i was that kind of mythical finned creature when i was a kid on family trips to florida. ariel's friend. (the male version of the chicken of the sea mermaid?) mer boy riding in on a sea crest. underwater breathing. mer boy weaving around shells, coves, sunken ships and lost treasure. when will i build that house by the beach? when i will i walk the shore and forget myself? when will i sink my toes into wet sand? taste the brine air?
for now need to think about the cuba story. finishing the play. mounting a reading in the spring. culture at the college. tomorrow's blind date. oh morpheus let your dreamtime come and stay. city of sweet romance appear and let me inhabit you. i swim, float, dance, become--merboy still.
Tuesday, December 04, 2001
day three of zoloft. why do i keep thinking i'm going to jump out of my skull. i'm smiling so hard that i think my face is going to crack open. aside from the heart palpitations, it's kind of fun. i can talk to anybody about anything. oh fearless one gerard. able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. even though last night it was quite a different story. i took my second dose and felt like i was coming off of a bad acid trip. stayed up all night listening to art bell on the radio talk about electromagnetic force fields changing animal migration patterns and the cia taking control of our minds via holograms and chemicals. brave new world. i hope i can fall asleep and stay woven into the tracks of dream land. but if i should wake up, at least i can snuggle up to my electromagnetic clock radio and be soothed by art.
can't get the new mary j. blige song out of my head: "no more drama." i love the little "young and the restless" flourish at the end. the video rocks too. mary in the moment. can't get t.d.'s stare out of my head too. okay, he's married. okay he wears an irish wedding band facing out. okay his fingernails are exquisite. his eyes, his fingers, his voice. okay, he's married. no more drama. right . .yeah . .sure!
thinking about finishing my "cuba" story for mitzi. i promised her a revised copy by january which means work through december break. will i be holding my mother's hand? i hope her heart holds out. i say a prayer to mother mary. watch over her to keep her strong. all of us.
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